Belgian soccer news

Today the USA soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup by Belgium. These are my predictions for how various media sources will feature this story.

Belgium newspapers: Tim Howard is batman!
Other European papers: Silly Americans still call it soccer, that’s why they lose!
ET: Is Justin Bieber dating the Algerian soccer team.
Extra: Will Smith pays $2 million to put Jaden Smith on USA soccer team.
People: Kanye West claims that USA lost because he was not on the team.
US Weekly: Sean Combs holds press conference to announce he’s changing his nickname to “bend it like Diddy”
LA Times: USA loses, there are no riots in Highland Park. Community leaders blame it on the minimum wage.
Univision: USA loses, too many gringos on the team.
Jenny McCarthy/ the View: USA loses because the players were vaccinated.
New York Times: Michael Bloomberg convinced that large soda drinks lead to USA loss.
Fox News: team USA loses, it’s Obamas fault.
MSNBC: it’s George Bush’s fault.
CBS news: it’s Ronald Reagan’s fault.
Huffington post: USA loss caused by climate change, Al Gore flying to Brazil to investigate.
Maxim: Belgian woman with fantastic breasts spotted at World Cup match.
Salon: Team USA consisted of 11 men, no women or transgender players. Team uniforms all white, what a bunch of sexist, racist, homophobic bastards!!!
Redbook: 10 fantastic soccer themed cakes! How to lose those World Cup pounds without dieting!
CNN: USA soccer team unable to locate missing Malaysian airliner.

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