Today the USA soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup by Belgium. These are my predictions for how various media sources will feature this story.
Belgium newspapers: Tim Howard is batman!
Other European papers: Silly Americans still call it soccer, that’s why they lose!
ET: Is Justin Bieber dating the Algerian soccer team.
Extra: Will Smith pays $2 million to put Jaden Smith on USA soccer team.
People: Kanye West claims that USA lost because he was not on the team.
US Weekly: Sean Combs holds press conference to announce he’s changing his nickname to “bend it like Diddy”
LA Times: USA loses, there are no riots in Highland Park. Community leaders blame it on the minimum wage.
Univision: USA loses, too many gringos on the team.
Jenny McCarthy/ the View: USA loses because the players were vaccinated.
New York Times: Michael Bloomberg convinced that large soda drinks lead to USA loss.
Fox News: team USA loses, it’s Obamas fault.
MSNBC: it’s George Bush’s fault.
CBS news: it’s Ronald Reagan’s fault.
Huffington post: USA loss caused by climate change, Al Gore flying to Brazil to investigate.
Maxim: Belgian woman with fantastic breasts spotted at World Cup match.
Salon: Team USA consisted of 11 men, no women or transgender players. Team uniforms all white, what a bunch of sexist, racist, homophobic bastards!!!
Redbook: 10 fantastic soccer themed cakes! How to lose those World Cup pounds without dieting!
CNN: USA soccer team unable to locate missing Malaysian airliner.