I have a couple of friends from Canada, they both came here as illegal aliens. One decided to self deport himself back to the great white north as soon as hockey season started, the other one stayed here so she could change the America in a most unusual way.
My friend Efie rarely talks about her time in Canada as her family was the victim of hate and prejudice for generations. Bear in mind that this happened in Canada so while it was hate and prejudice, it was extremely polite hate and prejudice. The first sign of trouble for her family started about 100 years ago. It’s a little known fact that Efie’s great great-grandfather was once the best hockey player in the world, but his legacy has been virtually erased from the history books. At the time the NHL was a brand new league and the now iconic Stanley Cup, was then little more than a really fancy silver candy dish. Her great great grandfather Menaleus Hercules Kostopolous Sanchez Protopappas Jr. won the championship but they could not fit his name on the Stanley cup. Succeeding generations did not fare any better as members of her family were denied job promotions as no company could afford the cost of printing business cards for members of the Protopappas family. A pattern was starting to appear. It seems that Canadians simply don’t like really long names, that’s bad news for the Greek community.
Fast forward to the present, and my friend Efie whose real name is Ifigenia Kostopolous Sanchez Protopappas III, would frequently travel overseas. As a result of this Canadian foreign ministry officials were required to repeatedly write or type her name on numerous travel documents. Officials in the Canadian government soon noticed a spike in the number of government employees filing disability claims for carpal tunnel syndrome. the government was forced to pay millions in Loonies and a few hockey pucks to settle these disability claims. Once again the Canadian hatred for Efie and her family reared it’s ugly head. Efie decided to go to America. Under the cover of darkness she climbed hills and mountains, went through forests, slid down glaciers, and crossed rivers to sneak into America. Crossing the border was an arduous journey as Efie had only the clothes on her back, and the contents of two walk in closets, about 57 pairs of shoes, and a dozen Calgary Flames jerseys. The effort to cross the border caused a great deal of blood sweat and tears, as the Protopappas family attempted to load about 5,000 pounds of belongings into a 1998 Honda Civic without tearing the upholstery. Efie snuck across the border in that Honda by evading all 5 of the border patrol agents assigned to patrol the Canadian border. Being an illegal alien, and a Calgary Flames fan, Efie was forced to live in the shadows. Trying to eke out a living any way she could, she found a job working for the El Barracho food cart selling bacon wrapped hotdogs, outside the Staples center. Her income was supplemented working nights as the corporate counsel for Arby’s, Taco Bell, and depends undergarments.
Fearing that Efie would be deported, the Canadian Government begged America to give her a green card. Canada bribed us with 100 pounds of Canadian bacon, the deal was done. Finally legal, Efie could quit those silly night jobs and concentrate on mastering food on wheels. Efie needed to learn everything she could at the El barracho because she had a dream to own a gourmet poutine truck in Palmdale.
No longer welcome in Canada, and wishing to be the poutine princess of Palmdale, the decision was made to become an American citizen. Efie had to learn about American history, politics, and culture. She had to officially become an LA Kings fan, that meant she had to go shopping for shoes to match the purple Kings jerseys (clearly not true, Efie just wanted an excuse to go shoe shopping). Hours were spent studying for the citizenship test. She had to know things such as American history, the US Constitution,the dessert menu at TGI Fridays, what was the name of Paul Reveres horse? (Sparky) What is the capitol of Nebraska? (Lincoln), When did Puerto Rico become a state? (Trick question, it’s not a state) What percentage of Americans hate the New England Patriots? (99%)
Apparently Efie knew all about Sparky the horse, and went to TGI Fridays a few times because she passed the test. Yesterday Efie “Greek Thunder” Protopappas raised her right hand and took the citizenship oath, she’s an American now. Welcome aboard Yank!
America is still the best country on earth, and the addition of new citizens like Efie make it even better.
P.S. Look out Palmdale, there’s a tsunami of poutine headed your way!!!!!!!!!