If the conclave elects me to be the next Pope

The conclave to elect a new Pope is about to convene. A little known fact is that you do not have to be a cardinal or even a catholic priest to become the Pope. With that in mind I am officially throwing my big tall pointy pope hat into the ring. Hell yes I want the job, and the job wants me! If (when) I become pope there will be some changes to the gig. So lets not waste any time and get to the new deal in Rome.

The Popemobile will no longer resemble the lovechild of a Landrover and a 70’s Volvo, this pope will travel through the adoring throngs of followers in a Ferrari or McClaren Mercedes and yes the rear tires will be smoking. The Popemobile will of course have to be a convertible to accommodate my Pope hat. No more gold gilded robes, this Pope will be wearing flip flops, cargo shorts, whatever brand of sunglasses kicks down the biggest sponsorship. If it gets cold I’m going to need to dress accordingly, that means I’ll have my “HH” (his holiness) hoodie on. If its Tuesday I’ll wear my hoodie that just says POPE on it to keep the nuns on their toes, and of course for trips to eastern Europe it will say POPESKY. During mass I will no longer walk down the aisle with that extra long cane that some pedophile priest mugged away from Little BoPeep. From now on the Pope will cruise down the aisle with a light saber (admit it, you thinks that’s cool). To honor the greatest blacksploitation film of the 1970’s I will take the name “Pope Shaft”…..Damn right baby.

Here are the other policy changes:

Red Bull or Monster energy drinks will be granted naming rights to the Vatican similar to the corporate sponsorship of NFL stadiums.

All priests will be required to take and pass a science class, okay boys it’s time to pull your heads out of your medieval asses.

No more Latin masses, I don’t speak it, I don’t understand it. Latin is a dead language, it’s time to bury it.

Any priest, nun, monk, deacon, or circus clown caught wearing crocs in the Vatican will be forced to walk across hot coals……..on their hands!!! no freaking crocs!!!

All pedophile priests and their enablers will be transferred to a new parish that I’m starting in Kandahar Afghanistan.

If the Holy See decides to take the holy dogs out for a sacred walk, Cardinal Mahoney will be required to catch all holy droppings by hand before they hit the ground. He must then use that hand to make the sign of the cross on his face. He will be required to do this until he is transferred to the Kandahar parish.

Gay marriages will be allowed if the couples promise to have an open bar at the reception…..BOOM

No priest will counsel anybody on marriage until they they’ve tried it themself , yep that means priests can get hitched.

All catholics will be encouraged to explore other religions in an effort to gain understanding of others and work towards peace. I admit that I have my doubts about muslims, jews, southern baptists, and mormans. It’s hard for me to understand or trust people who don’t appreciate the value of beer and bacon.

Effective immediately “Nash Bridges” will be the official television show of the Vatican. This doesn’t have to make sense to you, I’m the pope dammit!

Anybody who tries to kiss my ring will get a divine boot in their ass. A simple handshake or fist bump will suffice from now on.

Nuns habits will bear a striking resemblance to french maid uniforms- (40 years old and under, a weight restriction will likely be implemented)

A scoreboard will be placed above all confessionals.

All masses that conflict with football, hockey, formula 1, the Tour De france, and rugby matches will be cancelled, postponed, or radically shortened.

No more altar boys!!!! grown men hanging out with prepubescent boys is seriously creepy. From now on I will only allow smoking hot Swedish altar bunnies.

I will reveal to the billions of catholic faithful one of the great secrets of christianity. The reason it took Jesus 3 days to ascend to heaven is because he booked his trip on Delta airlines.

I will be the lead singer for the Vatican rock band “12 dollar Buddha”, Sisters Ingrid and Svetlana will be the backup singers. Don’t forget to tip your barmaids.

Bacon will be served for communion instead of those lame ass crackers.

James Bond works for the Vatican now.

Sure, the Vienna boys choir is great but I’m booking the Stones for midnight mass on Christmas eve.

Guinness, the official beer of the Pope.

Ron Zacapa 23 rum, the official holy wine and holy water of the Vatican.

Kobe Bryant is Catholic, He will be commanded by God to pass the damn ball occasionally!

Notre Dame football, Jesus hates them too!

Fish on Friday, I don’t think so. From now on, it’s North Carolina BBQ.

Oktoberfest will rage in St. Peters Square!!

The Vatican will have a bobsled team in the next olympics.

Tim Tebow will only be used as punt protection on the Vatican flag football team.

Last but not least, the recently reactivated Knights Templar will stop at nothing to assassinate every reality TV star.

Gotta go, Sister Svetlana just fired up a batch of tater tots for his holiness.


One response to “If the conclave elects me to be the next Pope

  1. I’m thinking any Catholic soccer player taking a dive gets excommunicated. I realize this would decimate the Italians, but standards must be established.

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